


Find You Again

by misshurricane



Series: Butterflies of Eden [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, The Force Awakens - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Combat, Commitment Phobia, Communication Issues, F/M, First Order, General, Major - Freeform, New Republic, PTSD, Resistance, Romance, Tears, Trauma, War, commander - Freeform, mentions of a toxic relationship, mission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:55:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21981277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misshurricane/pseuds/misshurricane
Summary: “Always you shaped-thoughts inside my head.”In which Poe Dameron loves Vienna Eden, but the pull of the galaxy is too strong for him to ignore.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Original Female Character(s)
Series: Butterflies of Eden [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603690
Kudos: 5





	Find You Again

Poe Dameron was an idiot.

Vienna Eden said it once and she’ll say it again. Poe Dameron was an absolute fucking idiot.

If he ever dared show his stupid face at the Rebel Base again, she would kill him. Without a moment’s hesitation.

 _That complete utter piece of shit_ , she thought.

_That ass-wiping nerf-headed bucket of human waste._

Vienna would have him chained to Med Bay for a month—and heavily sedated so he would be physically incapable of escaping her wrath. She would insist General Organa demote him until she could knock some sense into that dense skull of his—which might be an impossible task the more she thought of it. It would definitely serve him right.

He was chaos incarnated; an impossible mix of recklessness and impulsivity with self destructive abilities. In all honesty, Vienna was still surprised he had made it this far with the stunts he pulled daily. She had been neutral to it all at first—after all, his job was one of many dangers and one had to do what was necessary—but she soon realized his knack for winding up half dead was becoming quite a pattern. Like attempting to do a triple barrel roll while also avoiding disintegration by enemy ships. Poe Dameron was an extraordinary pilot, and Vienna loved him for it, but with his track record, he should have either been dead already or at least missing a few limbs, let alone be allowed to continue his endless episodes in face of imminent danger.

Oh how Vienna hated him. Him and his perfect hair and his careless crescent smile. She hated how he would sweet talk his way out of her worrying—she swore it worked every time—whenever he came back more bruised than ever. He was brilliant and most resilient, but he wasn’t invincible, that he knew. If he knew that, why couldn’t he also act the part? Vienna would choke the life out of him when she saw him, because yes, he would return. She knew he would. He always did. He had to.

“Just a small retrieval mission. I’ll be back before you even notice I’m gone.”

She always noticed when he was gone. How could one not notice when a piece of their heart went missing?

“You know I could complete this mission in my sleep, nothing could possibly go wrong.”

But something did go wrong. Everything that can happen will happen and Poe Dameron was no exception to the unbending wrath of fate.

“When I come back, I’ll owe you a date, anywhere you want. I know we haven’t had the best year, but I’ll make it up to you...I promise.”

He didn’t owe Vienna anything. Being with him was reward enough. They didn’t need to gaze lovingly at the canopy of stars under the shadow of a willow tree like other couples, because they weren’t a typical match. They were both fighters. Survivors. It had always been like that for them, like an unspoken mutual agreement. The Resistance came first, no matter what. Vienna could vividly recall a conversation they had had on one particular mission together. After no particular opposition, they had made a deal that night that if the time came to choose between their love and the Resistance, they would both unanimously choose the latter. Although both hoped that time would never come to exist.

Vienna had strayed from that path long ago. To her, he came first. He would always come first.

His absence had taken a toll on her. Vienna hadn’t slept in weeks, omens rampaged her thoughts at night—brutal images of her beloved, tortured and beaten by the First Order and sent back in a casket plagued her mind, but she refused to submit to any pessimistic thoughts. Staying awake was a necessity, and Vienna soon dreaded the fall of midnight’s curtains.

She had expertly hidden this insomniac behaviour from her entourage, but even her body would betray her in the end.

She was fine.

The woman’s cover had been blown when she collapsed from exhaustion during one of the morning runs she went on to keep herself awake. She had refused to rest, and buried herself in work and training the new recruits.

She was fine.

Jessika had attempted to entertain her by keeping her company through all of her daily tasks, like the good natured friend she was. Despite her best efforts, Vienna found no comfort in her jokes. She loved Jessika, but Jessika was not Poe.

She was fine.

She was comforted by the scent of his cologne on the jacket she had stolen from him many moons ago, and with every whiff, she would still feel the traitorous butterflies in her stomach. It was funny how she would notice new things she loved about Poe whenever he was gone.

She wasn’t fine.

She ached for his presence, even at times when she wanted to rip out his throat for ever getting himself captured. Vienna remembered the crumbling of her heart when General Organa had announced Poe’s capture. Vienna had quietly sobbed during the first few nights, unbeknownst to her trainees, who only saw her as slightly disheveled, contrary to her usual impeccable self. It wasn’t the first time Poe had been away for so long, nor was it going to be the last. But somehow, the galaxies separating them now seemed unfathomable. This time, Vienna felt as if the distance between them was unnavigable, even by her beloved pilot. It was as if every force of nature was pulling them apart and they struggled even to find each other.

Vienna‘s sternly glanced over the combatting recruits, a mess of grunting and panting, as they struggled to incorporate the technique she had previously shown them with little enthusiasm. Although Vienna was skilled at concealing her feelings, her trainees had noticed a significant change in her mood. She was more rigid, easily disappointed and highly expectant, even more than usual.

“Major Eden, report to main communications. Major Eden, please report to main communications.”

The moment Vienna set foot in the main comms room, her heart skipped a beat. A crowd had gathered around the figure of General Organa. The latter noticing Vienna’s arrival, swiftly turned around to greet her. As the older woman took Vienna’s shaking hands in her own, her eyes immediately slammed shut, bracing for the worst. It was all she could do to stop the tears threatening to push back at their restraints.

When her eyes opened, the heart warming smile General Organa gave her was all she needed to slay the bad omens she had conjured.

…

In his mind, Poe Dameron had envisioned quite a welcoming committee. After all, he had been through thin and thick, and had miraculously evaded death, yet again. He decided he would heroically strut out from the Opal Pursuit—the ship he and his rescuers had fixed and baptized in the span of two days. Even in his worst state, Poe liked to imagine his arrival as majestic as possible. In his little world of delusion, he expected to be immediately enveloped into the arms of his girlfriend, the only one who came close to his love for flying. In an effort to appear modest, he decided he would have stumbled a few steps, but only for the sake of realism. Then he would embrace back in equal if not superior force, joined with the gushing and applause of his fellow pilots. They would make way for General Organa, who would smile at him in approval. Nothing else would matter then. In the arms of his beloved and in the light of his idol’s gratification, Poe Dameron would find solace. He would then find the strength to engage in a passionate kiss with the woman who shared his heart, oblivious to the world around them, and she would kiss back in perfect harmony. He would take her out the next morning, to anywhere she wanted, and they would both momentarily forget about their life’s fight.

Nothing of the sort happened.

The moment he emerged from the archaic papier mâché-ed ship, his much relished heroic entrance went out the window. Bruised and grimy with dirt, Poe half limped, half dragged his feet down the ramp, and would have plummeted face first to the ground if not for the steady hands of Kaede and Florian.

Many Resistance fighters had then sharply aimed their weapons at the two intruders, ignoring the fact that both had just escorted their prized pilot back unharmed. Poe seemed to have lost his touch in the sphere of authority and it took him three minutes (and some help from Snap) to get them to lower their weapons at his new friends.

Admiral Kane, a cold stern man, had then strutted right past him as if he were a mere initiate, to warmly welcome the twins who had brought him back. Despite Poe’s reluctance to accept the cold shoulder, he was glad his foreign friends had finally been recognized for the good deeds they had done (those being saving him from dehydration and getting him back to the Rebel Base in one piece). The pilot was eternally grateful for the two, although they had basically kidnapped him in the middle of the desert and dragged his ass to the other side of Jakku in the process. And as much as Kaede and Florian hated to admit it, the snarky Resistance pilot had grown on them.

Poe Dameron never expected a victory feast, but he knew this game was definitely rigged. He knew right from the moment Snap left his side and whispered a sheepish but sympathetic ‘Good luck, mate. You have no idea how fucked you are.’ Poe Dameron was tired beyond words, all he wanted to do was to shower and fall into an endless trance of sleep.

The pilot had no time to fathom his friend’s warning, before his eyes landed on his most precious gem of a girlfriend . A perfect creation of sun kissed skin, silky obsidian locks and soft rosy lips begging to be kissed. He could not stop the stupid grin from forming onto his own lips—although a cut was still healing at the corner, stinging as he lifted them.

_Fuck, he had missed her._

The picture he had kept of her, safely tucked into the inner pocket of his jacket which he had now stupidly lost, truly did her no justice. Poe would often take it out, just to imagine himself back in her arms, although the thought brought him nothing but regret. Even whilst being captured, he would have traded anything and everything for one last kiss and one last memory of their fingers intertwining.

Poe felt his eyes sting with tears of joy, and he let out a sigh of relief, or was it, contentment? No. It was a sigh of love, finally delivered after weeks of separated agony.

The tears he had harboured and neglected for so long would have undoubtedly fallen if Poe had not noticed the gleam of her opalescent grey eyes, usually bright with fervour, who now seemed to burn holes into his skull. Frowning, Poe began to hurry in her direction, causing her instead to cross her arms neatly and fumble away.

His confused protests seemed to bounce off her ears. Somehow, Vienna Eden did not wish to hear any of them. Gathering his courage and the last of his physical energy (with a tad more balance to keep from derailing from his trajectory), Poe finally shoved through workers to lightly graze the back of her hand.

At his touch, she recoiled, although Poe believed this was just a side effect of a long separation. Fortunately for Poe, Vienna did not stay true to her initial decision to walk away, instead she turned to face him for what was the first time in weeks. Perhaps it was their mutual pain which forced her hand. No matter.

Vienna took her time to examine him. All of him, right past the fake smile he put on to hide pain of his bruises. Although it felt like mere seconds, Vienna felt as if she was stuck in what she deemed as eternity. All of her murderous devices had been set in motion, but yet, she didn’t know what to say to him. Vienna Eden hadn’t a clue how to tell her idiot boyfriend that he had been her sole source of pain every single day he had been away. Would it be selfish to even say such a thing? That by doing his job, he was breaking her heart? Vienna’s eyes could only skim over the battered tapestry of his face and wonder at the story behind every cut, every bruise, every consequence of his arrogance with a grim jolt of reality.

Poe could not stop himself from wincing at the woman before his eyes. He was sure he looked nowhere near his best, but if he was being completely frank, neither did she, although Vienna would always be beautiful to him (and to the rest of the world, he could safely assume), even as she looked utterly overtaken by stress. He stopped himself from frowning further at the sight of her red rimmed eyes, heavily bagged in dark circles and the sheen layer of sweat coating her face, which had seemingly lost all colour. Her fingers were wrapped in what looked like a strip of gauze, His girlfriend had always been one to take care of her own appearance (and his as well), the epitome of composure, far from showing signs of self martyr. From afar, Vienna Eden had been the same woman he had kissed before he had left for his mission. Her aura had felt one and the same, but as he noticed the fatigue and pain through her heavy eyelids, Poe realized how little one could see from afar.

Vienna Eden was in pain. And the only thing that scared Poe more than that was the chilling realization that he alone was the cause of her pain. He could never forgive himself if he were to let her fade. Such was the agony of loving and being loved.

She noticed his apprehension and mistook it for disgust. Admittedly, Vienna did not look her best. Her eyes darted defensively away from his face, and Poe was not unaware of her sudden recluse. Instead, he gently grazed down her forearm, slipping her now quivering fingers into his own.

“I missed you.”

Poe Dameron was an honest man. He spoke his mind with nothing but blunt candour. He wasn’t a fan of big words and eloquent declarations of love. His were riddled with vulnerability and violence, nothing of the euphemisms one tended to use to soften the blow. Yet in that moment, those three raw words felt absolutely worthless.

He was greeted with a devastating shock of lightning, as Vienna scoffed and aggressively slapped him across the face.

The sound of her palm against his cheek echoed across the Base, and from the looks of the cluster of people, who had now stopped their itinerary to curiously witness their peculiar reunion, it did not go unnoticed. In the corner of his eye, Poe spied Jessika, Snap and Karé standing traitorously unaffected by the action, all of them with their arms crossed.

“I deserved that one,” he silently admitted, although his cheek stung and he lightly staggered back. As Poe stared guiltily into the eyes of his fuming girlfriend, he finally understood how terrifying Vienna Eden—no, Major Eden— seemed in the eyes of new recruits and junior officers alike.

The man was rewarded with another slap, this one catching him even more off guard. His hand gently soothed his cheek as the crowd continued to watch indifferently, as if separated by a veil of glass.

All Vienna Eden could feel was white blinding anger. _Did he think he could simply waltz back like he had only been gone for a day, not weeks?_ He had some guts. He had some guts telling her those three torturous words. As if those shallow syllables could somehow mend the bridges he had burned.

“Of all the things you could possibly say, is that the best you can come up with?“ she snapped, channeling the fury of a thousand suns.

“I’m sorry—“Poe muttered, almost shamefully, bowing his head. It was only once the words left his mouth that he realized how insensible he sounded once again.

Vienna seemed to think so as well.

“Get your head out of the cockpit, Commander and cut the crap,” she barked. Poe winced at the cold use of his rank to address him. To his knowledge, his girlfriend only referred to him by his formal title in two scenarios. One was highly inappropriate (and very improbable at the moment), whereas the other only meant that she was repressing the unmistakable urge to beat the shit out of him.

As Vienna scoffed and uttered the words “Apologies will not sway me,” Poe realized how truly terrified he was of his beloved. In fact, she scared the living daylights out of him. He might as well have been a new recruit at the moment.

“Vi, please just hear me out,” the pilot tried, but Vienna only rolled her eye in frustration, as if she was hinting at something he couldn’t comprehend.

“You’re full of shit, you know?” she grumbled, as her thin fingers clawed at her disheveled hair, unwashed and coated with both sweat and oil. Even as he begged to be heard, Vienna could not bear to look into his eyes. She would forgive him again if she did. No doubt. Instead, she kept her gaze firmly rooted to the ground and mumbled obscenities. “Irrational...Brainless. Absolutely brainless.”

Poe was devastated. And he felt the guilt hanging over his shoulders.

He had promised to protect her at all costs, even whilst he knew she could beat the shit out of him before she ever let him protect her in any way. Poe Dameron knew this woman inside and out, he had traced every scar, he had held her during every nightmare. She was the most precious piece of him, one that Poe had always known would be safe in his arms. From the moment he laid eyes on her, the pilot knew he would never allow her to come to any harm.

So to see his girlfriend attempt to hide her tears—tears meant for him—made Poe Dameron feel like an utter piece of shit. He was the only one pulling at her heartstrings. Not this war. Not this mission. Him.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” he croaked out, and his voice quivered. His resilient facade crumbled. In the corner of his eyes, Poe could see his fellow pilots diverting the crowd’s attention from them. He was very thankful for their sensible hearts, allowing him to slip into a private moment with his distance torn girlfriend.

Poe did not expect Vienna to look at him with a sudden flash of anger mixed with exasperation.

“Hurting me? It’s not about me,” snapped Vienna. “You...you could’ve…”

 _Died_.

Poe Dameron could’ve died. It wasn’t about her. It would never be about her. He had given her his word, and Vienna had never allowed the thought of him perishing in such a mission ever vanquish her hope for his return. She had no doubt he would be back. In what state, she had not a clue. Vienna had long believed the imminent worry had risen out of pure selfishness. To believe he would ever put anything before this damned war. Yet the nagging mantra in her head was screaming‘ Why didn’t he want to survive it? ‘

Was she the only thing stopping him from running straight into the line of fire without a moment’s hesitation?

Could Poe Dameron truly only imagine himself as nothing more than a soldier?

_Would this war cost him everything?_

“How could you?”

As those three words escaped her lips, Vienna could feel her despair rising. Her eyelids were suddenly heavy, if not from lack of sleep then from the tears threatening to slip down her cheeks. If it didn’t hurt her, why did she still have to suppress the urge to cry?

“Is this fight all you are?“

Poe Dameron was taken aback. Of course, he thought. She was right. He was an idiot. An absolutely thick-headed idiot. He wasn’t hurting her. The pilot was hurting himself, in turn it was tearing them apart. Poe had harboured his own suspicions a few months ago, when he had been sent on a flurry of missions, an endless branch of dangerous tasks. Vienna had always wished him luck and acknowledged his duty, barely objecting to his heart wrenching departures. In any other person’s eyes, Vienna Eden had been perfectly fine with her boyfriend’s perilous job. But Poe knew better..

Perhaps it was the squint of her eyes or the tensing of the muscles of her shoulders every time he was assigned a mission, that gave it away. Or the lingering embrace the two had last shared, with neither side set on pulling away and how she held on just a little tighter to his jacket.

“I did what I had to do,” retorted Poe, and immediately regretted his insensible answer. She could make him say the worst and the best things, he never knew which would come out of his mouth.

The Resistance was his life’s fight. Truthfully, He had never foreseen a future for himself in which he was not under constant fire and in imminent danger. The pilot never envisioned a future without the Resistance. It was his purpose, his calling. Poe Dameron had never even considered straying from that long forged path until he met her. And everything he believed in slowly started to melt and unravel before his very eyes.

Vienna shook her head in dismay as if he had once again uttered the wrong answer to a question. What a load of pure bullshit, she thought furiously.

“Well, I’ll be damned. It’s not as if you’ve ever disobeyed direct orders to stand down from battles you could not win,” she deadpanned sharply.

The woman saw the corner of Poe’s jaw clench in frustration.

“You know that’s not fair, Vi,” he mumbled through deep exhalations.

Vienna wasn’t having any of it. Poe Dameron would listen to what she had to say and he would shut his mouth, because he had no right—absolutely no right—to speak of what was fair or unfair. Not after what he put himself and her through.

“You always have to wind up like this, don’t you?” she shot back at him in full force.” Always throwing yourself in the line of fire... You don’t give a flying shit about yourself.”

Poe was losing his patience. He had never been much of a fan of his girlfriend’s lectures, especially ones where he had nor the higher ground, nor the means to defend himself, which were pretty much a common occurrence. For Kriff’s sake, he had limped back half-dead to the Base after escaping the First Order. Maybe he didn’t deserve a medal, but the least he expected was a girlfriend with enough decency to show some affection. Any at all.

But even his brash self would have never expected himself to utter these next words. Words that would have absolutely destroyed him if he had had any control over himself.

“That’s funny coming from a woman who blew up an entire—“scoffed Poe, nostrils flaring.

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Poe Dameron.”

It came out more as a broken sob then Vienna would’ve wished. Her grip on the ledge seemed to slip endlessly. The void stated at her, waiting.

Fire. Fire scorching every inch of their bodies. And metal debris everywhere. Millions of voices crying out in agony, begging for mercy. For her mercy. Cursing the name of a woman with no name on their very lips, until the flames consumed even their broken voices. A woman stared back in regret, as her ship drifted away in silence, the only instance of sound being the lone tear trailing down her cheek.

His words sliced at her carefully stitched skin in a way no blade could ever pierce her flesh. Poe Dameron knew every dent in her conscience. From the blood staining her hands to the sword hanging ominously over her head, she had unfolded every piece of herself right before his eyes. She had exposed to him every scar she had once beared alone, and every night she had so longingly wished to part them and become luminous, yet she had stayed. For him. Vienna had reached into her chest and yanked out her rusted bleeding heart for him to hold. For him to see her. Truly see her at her best and worst.

How could she give him every part of her, if he could cradle her heart like a paper doll one second, then squeeze the life out of it another?

Poe shook his head in denial of what he’d attempted to start. He would never hurt her. He couldn’t be hurting her.

But looking at the glazed over betrayed eyes of his beloved, his heart sank in pitting realization of what he’d done. He had failed her again. In more ways than one, he knew he was absolutely wrong for her. What good was feeding off each other’s pain? What good was it mending each other when both yanked at their broken pieces like weapons? What good was it fixing something that started off broken?

Yet, Poe was unprepared and unwilling to let her go. Perhaps it was but an effect of human selfishness, to compensate the need to be loved, to love. There were a million reasons why he should have left, but one reason to stay was a good enough reason not to go. Even if they would burn out and their halcyon days would melt under the sun.

Poe dared not open his mouth, in fear of uttering something worse, although he could not bear to imagine what else his traitorous lips could fabricate. He was fueling the fire between them, and soon both of them were bound to get burned trying to find each other again. They had settled into an uncomfortable silence, piercing and unfamiliar to them. He had single handedly annihilated every bond of trust they had ever laid into foundation. Vienna knew he didn’t mean it. He would never mean such a thing. But knowing he had that kind of power over her was a bulging red light. The road ahead of them was almost suicide, tainted with assured blood and tears. To cross it would be as devastating as a kiss of death itself.

But she loved him.

Vienna kept repeating to herself there was still hope. They could still be luminous together. No matter how much more beating her battered heart could take, she would never let go of him. Relationships took work. What mattered was that he loved her. He did, that she was sure.

And that was all Vienna needed to know.

“The General will be expecting you for a debriefing,” she finally filled the deafening silence, although her eyes were still soaked. Her hands clasped tightly behind her back and her eyes darted to the floor.

Poe recoiled at her indifferent words, shooting straight down his spine. It woke him up, a sharper effect than any slap of hers could ever harm him. The way she spoke to him as if he was a mere officer, certainly not to a lover. Oh, how she confused him. He was scared to death of losing her, because chances were, he would never find her again.

“What about you, Major?” he cleared his throat, desperately begging for the attention of her beautiful but averted eyes.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Poe Dameron could see every fragment of pain in Vienna Eden’s eyes like drops of scarlet in a sea of clear opal. In the midst of a mosaic of anguish, the loving essence was disguised, but not completely lost. With a shiver, Poe wondered how they managed to get so far gone by simply loving each other.

“You’re not going to stop, are you?” she whispered, and for a moment, Poe Dameron considered lying. But this was not just some white lie. This was a binding promise, one he could never truthfully agree if he was ever an honest man in his lifetime.

“I love you.“

Their lips met and the world fell away. It was desperate, but comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below her ear, his thumb caressing her cheek as their breaths mingled as one. She leaned forward so their foreheads would almost touch, as her quivering hands snaked up his back. They could both taste the salt of their tears and the salt of their lips, as hands tugged and braced, if not for desire then for pure desperation. It was a violent assault of two broken lovers, through eyes snapped shut, lost in their oblivion, and cracked bleeding lips, unfazed by pain.

He never answered her question.

Their kiss was yet another stitch among hundreds of unhealed cuts.

“I know.”

She did know.

She knew he would always come first to her. She would love him until the world’s end.

Yet she could never come first to him.


End file.
